Impending divorce triggered my first major panic episode. It touches almost every day and waits for any event that would bring to the surface in a full-blown attack. Sure enough, such an event has shown, but not by any outside force.
While I pulled the shower one days into consideration, fear swept over me, along with an inexplicable fear that something terrible would happen.
Suddenly I had to eat afraid to go out of fear, stay out of fear of being alone at home.
As I was driving down the highway, uprooted trees and black garbage bags along the route was indistinguishable grotesque shapes. Through overpasses was particularly alarming, as I losing control and smashing into the abutment feared. Elevators and stairwells triggered a new symptom: claustrophobia.
Particularly alarming was the day I was afraid I would lose control and throw me out of the 6th Floor balcony.That’s when I knew it was time to get help.
Two years psychiatric treatment eventually brought an end to those terrible events. Until 10 years later, when I decided to change careers and return to college. I was 37
Then it happened again. I was in high school cafeteria to walk along the self-service line. It started when I was aware of intense drone of voices resounded in the entire quadrant was. Totally unexpected, swept afraid of me. I thought I would lose my mind, my heart and my mind raced, and that old familiar fear gripped her.
Struggling with the attack, I made it to a seat and tried to eat my lunch, but it soon became apparent it was not possible. The initial fear was verging on panic. I hurried out of the cafeteria of the nursing station at the top of the stairs, but at this point I felt it could happen.
I sat aimlessly along a busy corridor. All I could think of what I was off to the noise of busy students, and the uncertain openness. Moments later, sitting in the quiet, dimly lit lounge, I curled in an armchair and fell asleep. When I woke up, had led the attack.
Years ago, my doctor had explained that my attacks were by a chemical imbalance. He also pointed out that a lack of confidence and a sense of impending loss of control of my anxiety were related.
During my treatment I have worked persistently bombarded him with questions and with him every sensation I had in the past week. He was a man of few words, always to interpret my questions back on me.Through his few choice words, were worried the wrong things in my life is flashing quickly, rather than mounting thoughts to stoke my simmering anxiety.
His advice is repeated, as I made that major panic attack came 10 years later at the university. I was in a strange environment undertaking a new career. The attack was made clear by my fear of failure, along with many other fears.
It all made sense. I was moved into a new frontier with new faces, new challenges. In all likelihood, I would emerge a new person, but as with my divorce happened, it was a time when I feared I would lose control of my body, my mind and my life.
What saved me was my psychiatrist said something years ago when he answered quite simply one of my “what if …” Questions. His answer has become my “mantra” if you will.
In an effort to direct me to think rationally and focus on the theme of the result, he only asked, “So what?”Who would have known that these two little words would become my rock? At the moment, a terrible thought came to me, all I had to do was to ask: “So what’s the worst that could happen?” and it was never as bad as I had imagined. And now it’s always brings me back to earth. There is help for you.
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